3. My Motto

31 05 2011

I’ve never had much of a motto, at least growing up and through things that threatened my progress into who I am today. I was often too caught up in the details of pain and pleasure to really think deeply about the big picture – sure, I’ve always had those fantasies of what I want to do with my life, who I want to become but I’ve never really evaluated how to get there.

Oddly enough, I didn’t find a motto to put stock into until I ventured into a theater to see a production of Avenue Q – yes, I’ll admit the strange derivation of my message. It was quite simple and something I’ve had issues learning, even fathoming:

“Everything is only for now. Everything is temporary.”

Sadness. Joy. Pain. Love. Anger. Prosperity. Life. They are all relative variables of our larger picture.

You may lose someone in your life, but you can’t dwell on it – that isn’t what they would’ve wanted for you and it does nothing to bring them back.

Joy, love, prosperity, and life are things to savor because you don’t know when you’ll lose them.

I’ve found this phrase fuel me in multiple facets. I’ve started running (and working out some); what helps push me along is the convince myself the pain and exhaustion is temporary and, overall, the end will justify the means. At work, rather than getting frustrated over a coworker’s nonsense or a project that appears to carry the weight of the world, I can step back and confirm within myself that once I accept it’s occurring, the sooner it’ll be over. With living arrangements, I find myself frustrated that I’m not with the person I’ve committed myself to for the last seven years – though it’s mainly on my shoulders – but it’s just a temporary hang up.

One could argue it’s just living in the moment, but I find it helps me mentally reach the next step in my road.

So I always try to remember: “This is only temporary and the sunrise is just over that hill.”





2. Reflect on the Past

18 05 2011

Last April I did what I always do, I watched the seasons changed and enjoyed how the world ebbed and flowed around me – I was a passive observer at the moment, due to lack of employment and general depression towards… everything.

Nonetheless, I searched my home for interesting things to photograph and came about a few fallen buds from our Bleeding Heart.

They had only recently fallen off – I knew by their still vivid color, which contrasted amazingly well against the grays of the soil beneath the plant.

I’ve found I relate a lot of things I see and experience to anxiety and depression, it makes sense because both are often wide expanses for me, eating whole days of my life, which subsequently “pop” out in my eyes/mind.

Seeing these bright flecks against nothingness made me feel small, as if I were similarly, a flower dying from my bland and seemingly endless surroundings. It was almost too much for me to deal with. [Honestly, if you’ve ever suffered from depression, you’d know how random things can just really destroy you.]

I felt myself getting angry, mainly at the situation which was connecting things in my mind. I wanted to feel “normal,” it’s something I’ve always been chasing – I should’ve been fairly okay in my situation: I graduated college, I was healthy, a home, family, friends, and a loving partner. It’s in these moments that I find things go two ways: either you continue to wallow in the annoyance and pain, or, try to piece things together and form a solution/positive momentum (of sorts) towards your goal(s).

It’s strange, outside of these moments, to think of how my mental state could shift so quickly – it’s still tough to even believe it’s possible.

I grabbed one of the buds and held it in my hands, feeling like I was holding much more than a dying flower and rolled it between my fingers. As if I were trying to squeeze life back into the poor bud.

It reminded me that as broken as I felt, there were those in my life willing to hold me together – especially one person in particular.

I felt oddly better after convincing myself of that truth.





1. Amazing Experiences

12 05 2011

I came across a list of things to write about, so I’m going to try to do each one (there are 80 total). Here goes:

What is the most amazing thing you have ever seen, heard, or experienced?

I’m going to answer with two things, firstly: something that amazes me frequently and, secondly: the most recent “amazing” event I’ve experienced.

First:

This may sound mushy, but I’m dating a wonderful man. My amazement comes to me in waves. I generally think about him, us, or how he makes me feel, and I can’t help smile. The feeling comes in waves, I often think of something stupid I bother him with or a little quirk I love and it ignites this feeling that seems to take over my body… it’s cheesy, but it’s a remarkable thing.

I found another human being who accepts me for me – the good and bad – and loves me for who I actually am.  The feeling that brings me sweeps me off my feet and takes my breath away daily.


Second:

For those that don’t know, I’m currently trying to “train” for a 5k. Some may scoff, but I’m a big guy and I’ve never been a runner. 8 years of soccer, a year each of football, track/field, and swimming didn’t really make a runner out of me.

Anyway, I’m using a program called “Couch to 5k” which is designed to get you from not running at all to a 5k in 9 weeks.  I often stick to a couple paths but after a rough day at work, I decided to run a long (lonely) road by my house. [To put things in perspective, my runs are typically 2.15 miles – when I ran that road, I got home just over 2.85 miles.]

Since I’ve found running to be therapeutic I decided on a float indie rock soundtrack to my run: Weathervanes by Freelance Whales. I pushed through than run, honestly I don’t know how.

I live near a large grouping of forest preserves so I have some lovely scenery to run by. As I headed home, running mainly on fumes, one of my favorite songs began to play “Generator ^ First Floor,” almost helping my drift back home. The road I was running featured a drive sandwiched between forest, with a clearing behind the road line of trees. In the clearing next to me, probably only 10 feet away through a thin bunching of trees were a family of deer munching away, four or five of them.

That alone was beautiful, but the setting of the sunset behind me framed everything perfectly. The busy road bustling two feet from my left and a prime example of life and nature ten on my right was amazing. I immediately felt refreshed and smiled, laughing to myself – the cares of my day rolling off my shoulders.

Afterward I found jogging the rest of the way home to be quiet easy.





Truth and Happiness.

9 05 2011

Between the two – which would you rather have?

It’s probably odd to think of things in those distinct terms – life is more of a balance of finding happiness in truth. We like to ignore some of the unpleasantness (truth) to enjoy some things in life (happiness).  I guess I’ve been an offender to the disparity between the two for some time.

So much of who I am is based upon fantasy; if that’s not the epitome of denying truth to have happiness, I don’t know what is. I’ve based fantasy, hopes, and dreams on things that are unfeasible and others that are downright impossible. Sometimes my yearning for happiness pushes truth so far from my mind that my heart feels like it’s tearing in two when I figure out it’s unrealistic.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about life, “me”, and, of course, where things are headed. I’ve read a few things in particular that bring validation to my yearning for truth – truth within my personal life. Because I often think in large terms, I’ve weighed my sexuality as such things as truth, happiness, shame, dread, isolation, fear.

I’ve known the things that make up “me” for some time, only in the last few years have I  really been open and accepting of them. When I discovered my sexuality, I spent years lying awake trying to hope and dream I was different. I wanted to be the same as everyone else – this fact know amuses me because that was the realization I had in therapy during college. I’ve been chasing “normal” for so long, when I couldn’t even see “normal” is just made up. I tried to hide my truth as I sacrificed my happiness, mainly to save other’s happiness. I did what I did because I felt my parents would be ashamed of having a gay son.

When you raise a kid and you find out he’ll never bear grandchildren, your name will die with him, and he’s just “wrong” – I understood my fears because I felt they were legitimate. I brought them happiness by surviving. They watched me become who I was, but I denied the from really seeing it..

I think that’s the biggest regret I have in my life. I regret not accepting myself as I realized things, even though that’s just being confused and not knowing any better – but I’ve taken 12 years from the people who should’ve seen me thrive, grow, and build a life – one that wasn’t hidden.

I fear he won’t accept me, but he’s probably known and clearly he does. The tension we have comes from me not having the guts to tell him and (probably) his fear or ambivalence towards the truth.

I guess i’ve realized there’s the truth and that is the happiness. The happiness they’ll see when I can sit alongside my boyfriend, of nearly seven years, and what they’ll feel when that acknowledge I am who I am and I love who I am.

I’ll gladly tell the truth on anything you ask me. Sexuality, wants, needs, fetishes, fears, and hopes. I am an open book, waiting to have my pages turned. In this case, I choose truth and happiness.