Truth and Happiness.

9 05 2011

Between the two – which would you rather have?

It’s probably odd to think of things in those distinct terms – life is more of a balance of finding happiness in truth. We like to ignore some of the unpleasantness (truth) to enjoy some things in life (happiness).  I guess I’ve been an offender to the disparity between the two for some time.

So much of who I am is based upon fantasy; if that’s not the epitome of denying truth to have happiness, I don’t know what is. I’ve based fantasy, hopes, and dreams on things that are unfeasible and others that are downright impossible. Sometimes my yearning for happiness pushes truth so far from my mind that my heart feels like it’s tearing in two when I figure out it’s unrealistic.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about life, “me”, and, of course, where things are headed. I’ve read a few things in particular that bring validation to my yearning for truth – truth within my personal life. Because I often think in large terms, I’ve weighed my sexuality as such things as truth, happiness, shame, dread, isolation, fear.

I’ve known the things that make up “me” for some time, only in the last few years have I  really been open and accepting of them. When I discovered my sexuality, I spent years lying awake trying to hope and dream I was different. I wanted to be the same as everyone else – this fact know amuses me because that was the realization I had in therapy during college. I’ve been chasing “normal” for so long, when I couldn’t even see “normal” is just made up. I tried to hide my truth as I sacrificed my happiness, mainly to save other’s happiness. I did what I did because I felt my parents would be ashamed of having a gay son.

When you raise a kid and you find out he’ll never bear grandchildren, your name will die with him, and he’s just “wrong” – I understood my fears because I felt they were legitimate. I brought them happiness by surviving. They watched me become who I was, but I denied the from really seeing it..

I think that’s the biggest regret I have in my life. I regret not accepting myself as I realized things, even though that’s just being confused and not knowing any better – but I’ve taken 12 years from the people who should’ve seen me thrive, grow, and build a life – one that wasn’t hidden.

I fear he won’t accept me, but he’s probably known and clearly he does. The tension we have comes from me not having the guts to tell him and (probably) his fear or ambivalence towards the truth.

I guess i’ve realized there’s the truth and that is the happiness. The happiness they’ll see when I can sit alongside my boyfriend, of nearly seven years, and what they’ll feel when that acknowledge I am who I am and I love who I am.

I’ll gladly tell the truth on anything you ask me. Sexuality, wants, needs, fetishes, fears, and hopes. I am an open book, waiting to have my pages turned. In this case, I choose truth and happiness.



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