I’m not a cynic, I just act a lot.

19 01 2012

Big Puns aside..

My admission: I’m an Existentialist.

My actions dictate my persona and the path I trek in life. These actions are of my own accord, regardless of how they form – my reaction to an ‘outside’ force is still a property and action of “me”. Thus, I find myself in situations because of my own choices.

Opposite to this thinking, I am incredibly fearful of my impact on the world and others, although each other being shares the same burden: free will. I seek to minimize my effect on those beings. This creates a certain “drift” from interaction: I choose to minimize the effects of my own free will and yearn to live as “invasive” as possible.

On the subject of actions: those enacted greatly reflect myself, regardless of my confidence in my choice. A corollary to this point is that other being’s actions reflect themselves as well. This means whether planned for years, months, or nanoseconds, action is a calculated and premeditated phenomenon.

Does this mean an action’s effect is planned? Yes and no. The outcome of action based on free will is an extension of choice – the “external” effect is not completely intended. The reaction to that action is simply a response for me (similar to a personal, individual action to a question I ask internally of myself) Therefore, another’s choice affects me, free will allows me to respond accordingly, AND only as much as my response will allow.

I find a major personal flaw within myself: I lack the emotional balance and mental stability to fully accept and enact the above philosophy. I am continually told internally (and arguably from social cues) that other being’s actions are intentionally designed to affect others more so than the one acting in the first place. [One could say this is narcissism but after all everyone is a narcissistic. We simply wouldn’t sustain life if we weren’t to some degree. ] These actions seem more barbed and targeted, as if planned for the interpreted effect, as opposed to a simple “ripple effect” radiating towards others.

* * *

A major side effect of this thinking/conflict is guilt and sorrow over one’s own failures, since one’s current situations are a product of earlier (personal)  actions. Each success and failure is a creation of an earlier action or actions. Luck, happenstance, and ‘cosmic probability’ are mere human explanations or, rather, excuses for justifying one’s situations.

This all means my misery (and joy) is determined and confirmation of my actions. Due to aforementioned mental “hangups” this concept seems foreign to me half of the time. (I could argue that it’s easiest for me to believe that I am always in the “right” and negative effects caused by other’s actions are never or rarely effects of my own actions.)

I need to try and comprehend that my actions, and mine alone, are what create internal (and to a lesser extent, external) value.