Starting another chapter

My life in the, say, past four years is not what I expected it to be. Rather than launching myself into a well-paying career by my mid-twenties, I am a temp living in DC, chasing a dream inspired by “Yes We Can” rhetoric from the 2008 campaign and deflated by a remarkably flat employment market. So, here I am, temping in DC, while trying to get my foot in the door nearly a year and a half after moving to the District of Columbia.

I’m working on my project, trying to make rent and pocket change (savings? Hah.), when I get a Facebook notification from Gust, posting a blog post I wrote here almost four years ago. It was a review of Glee, right when the second season was about to start (or the first season was ending– who knows). A major thesis of that post was the idea that Glee would not last past three seasons. That was clearly false. But I was able to see that the quality of the show was going to deteriorate fast, and from what I surmise, I guess I was right about that.

Taking a quick moment to read a little blast from the past reminding me that I actually write pretty well, and indeed enjoy it. I remember loving writing as a teenager, and here I am, a 26 year old who essentially does it for a living. But it’s not necessarily fun. It’s work. Which is fine. But I think I deserve to make it fun again.

Last week, at a “House of Cards” viewing party (s0 DC. So This Town), I was having a discussion with an acquaintance about what I used to write about. I didn’t know how to respond. I’m pretty certain I said “stuff.” I guess it’s this though. I like consuming media, and describing how I view it. How I feel about. What I think about it. I like taking about current events, what’s going on in the world, in the country, in the community, and reflecting on how it fits into our past, present and future. I like being sarcastic, genuine, warm.

So with that said, in February 2014, I guess I’ll make another go at it. I had a LiveJournal in from 2001 that was updated with some frequency until 2008 (I’m not linking that). I had a high school sanctioned soapbox my junior and senior years. And now I have Facebook and Twitter. But I want to do some long-form creative writing again, and I guess I’ll do it here.

Sorry Gust for COMBOBREAKING your Pictures of the Day from 2012. I’m reviving Range Free.

january twenty, twenty-twelve

I’m not a cynic, I just act a lot.

Big Puns aside..

My admission: I’m an Existentialist.

My actions dictate my persona and the path I trek in life. These actions are of my own accord, regardless of how they form – my reaction to an ‘outside’ force is still a property and action of “me”. Thus, I find myself in situations because of my own choices.

Opposite to this thinking, I am incredibly fearful of my impact on the world and others, although each other being shares the same burden: free will. I seek to minimize my effect on those beings. This creates a certain “drift” from interaction: I choose to minimize the effects of my own free will and yearn to live as “invasive” as possible.

On the subject of actions: those enacted greatly reflect myself, regardless of my confidence in my choice. A corollary to this point is that other being’s actions reflect themselves as well. This means whether planned for years, months, or nanoseconds, action is a calculated and premeditated phenomenon.

Does this mean an action’s effect is planned? Yes and no. The outcome of action based on free will is an extension of choice – the “external” effect is not completely intended. The reaction to that action is simply a response for me (similar to a personal, individual action to a question I ask internally of myself) Therefore, another’s choice affects me, free will allows me to respond accordingly, AND only as much as my response will allow.

I find a major personal flaw within myself: I lack the emotional balance and mental stability to fully accept and enact the above philosophy. I am continually told internally (and arguably from social cues) that other being’s actions are intentionally designed to affect others more so than the one acting in the first place. [One could say this is narcissism but after all everyone is a narcissistic. We simply wouldn’t sustain life if we weren’t to some degree. ] These actions seem more barbed and targeted, as if planned for the interpreted effect, as opposed to a simple “ripple effect” radiating towards others.

* * *

A major side effect of this thinking/conflict is guilt and sorrow over one’s own failures, since one’s current situations are a product of earlier (personal)  actions. Each success and failure is a creation of an earlier action or actions. Luck, happenstance, and ‘cosmic probability’ are mere human explanations or, rather, excuses for justifying one’s situations.

This all means my misery (and joy) is determined and confirmation of my actions. Due to aforementioned mental “hangups” this concept seems foreign to me half of the time. (I could argue that it’s easiest for me to believe that I am always in the “right” and negative effects caused by other’s actions are never or rarely effects of my own actions.)

I need to try and comprehend that my actions, and mine alone, are what create internal (and to a lesser extent, external) value.

september one, twenty-eleven

august thirty, twenty-eleven

august twenty-eight, twenty-eleven

august twenty-six, twenty-eleven

august twenty-four, twenty-eleven

august twenty-two, twenty-eleven

august twenty, twenty-eleven